Time...

How much time do we need in one day?
How much time do we need to be ourselves?
How much time do we need to let others be themselves?
How much of our time should we give to others?
How much time should we dedicate to our work?
How much time should we dedicate to love?
How much time should we dedicate to family?
How much time should we dedicate to our hobbies?
How much time should we dedicate to God?

Do the proportions of the time we give to each of these indirectly reflect our priorities? Even if we verbally complain that we don't have time to do 'this and that', don't we all have a choice to how much time we realistically dedicate to each aspect of our life? My fear is that as real our wishes and our priorities might be, most of the time, our choices are limited, constrained.... Real choices involve drastic changes, uprooting of jobs, families, love.... Or do they?

Apart from using a time vortex, is it possible to make small changes that have real results in this time management dilemma? Is it possible to schedule ahead what your day should be divided in, in an attempt to share your time accordingly? Is it possible to find time for everything that you want to do?

Some people manage... What about you?

A writer's block.... Unblocked?

In the past... I was an avid writer... I had amazing ideas, flowing words, and an amazing amount of passion for writing....

Yet, years passed, and things have changed.... The words and thoughts remained, but somehow, when I got to write it on paper, I froze.... Maybe it was because of the fear that what I'll write will actually mean something to somebody otherwise then me, maybe it was the fear of revealing a bit more of myself that I actually planned to....  Maybe it was simply the lack of time... Or the severe stress caused by a thesis and starting a new job... Or maybe it simply was the over-crowding of ideas....

No what matter the reason might have been, in my mind, there was a desert.... A dry dessert that eagerly awaits for the first drop of rain with the same enthusiasm that a child awaits her dad to come back home... I was alive, but dead.... Since writing is what keeps a writer's soul alive... No writer can you tell you the reason, but it's there.....

But.... If you don't have the courage to listen to this call, you'll simply feel a deep frustration and jealousy at any piece of writing that you encounter... You freeze... and you do not really know why.... It's as if you have nothing to say, and yet, the second you move away from the paper and you'll be riding on a bus, or walking in the rain... The words suddenly spring across your mind, they fill your soul, until you cannot control the urge to grab a paper....And when you do...

Silence fills your mind....

A deep soulful silence that seems to be mocking you with it's stillness.... That seems calming, yet in reality only helps to increase the guilt for not being able to write longer than two sentences....

Today, I am attempting to resolve this....

The Day....

This is the day when those who weren't allowed to cry, weep tears of joy...
This is the day when those minds that weren't allowed to think, come up with solutions...
This is the day when those hearts that have been broken, find forgiveness...
This is the day when those souls that have lost faith, pray...
This is the day when those bodies that were beaten, walk away...
This is the day when those smiles that were forgotten, are found....
This is the day when those songs that were shunned, become popular...
                                         This is the day when those that never had a
                                         voice, speak...

                                         And say....

                                         This is the day.

The end....

It's been four years since I've stepped into university and started my B.Ed course.... Four years....
And now.... It's over.... I'm sitting here with a bad case of indigestion, hearing the birds chirping, watching the sun filling up this lonely kitchen.... And just feeling, sad and strangely empty. I'm not sad that it's over, but I'm sad because I gave up so much of my life, my strength and my energy to something that I have no idea how it'll pan out.

I never thought that it'll feel like this... I always thought that I'll be happier, somehow chirpier, somehow actually fuller with the satisfication that I've actually 'made it'. But nada. I don't feel that. Instead I feel scared about what is going to happen next in my life, now that I do not know how my days will be like, now that I'm 'free'.

I have made friends... I have created enemies... But both foes and friends will no longer form part of my constant day to day encounters, and that is scary.

I need time.... Time to adjust to this feeling of 'not knowing anything', Time to adjust to this feeling of freedom, of possible happiness, possible disasters....

The road is long.... And I've got so much to learn, to change, to do.... I'm sure that I will not manage to do everything that I want, but I'm gonna try and believe that I'm gonna succeed... I need to try... otherwise I'll be failing before I even start....

 And maybe my future will be better than my past... One things for sure, it'll be different... :)

Life...

Life is hard, there's no doubt about that... Life is also beautiful, but there is often doubt about that. However, there is no certainty over everything, there is no agreement over a lot of things....

Nobody agrees on how to treat one another, because everybody treats each other differently and selectively. Everybody treats us differently, and everybody looks at us differently, whilst we look at each person differently. Even if there are two people who resemble each other in every aspect, there'll still be something that will make 'Censu' actually 'Censu', and 'Wenza', actually 'Wenza'.

We know all this, but yet, we forget it constantly. At least, I do. We constantly fail on expecting others to treat us in a certain way, we fail on treating some people in a certain way... We have our own world, our own rules, and we live by them. Our rules of what constitutes a nice person, love, justice are different, and yet, we feel that they should be the same. The disagreements arise when there is a discrepancy in these expectations, and more than that, when we fail to understand the reason behind these discrepancy's... yet we try, constantly and relentlessly to find the reason why these discrepancy's exist.

Obviously, we fail.

We will never ever know some answers, we will never find the reasons, and we will never be happy until we accept this.

Maybe, my unhappiness lies in this. I try to find a reason for everything, and many times, I fail.

I feel hurt, abandoned, and horribly confused at times. Not understanding the reason behind some people's behaviour many times is a matter of not accepting this persons behaviour because I try to compare her standards to mine.

Why am I writing all this, I don't know. It's definitely not for me, cos I'll never learn anything out of this knowledge. I'll keep on repeating and failing in doing the same mistakes, and being unhappy even with the knowledge of all this.

I go to sleep. No wiser than I was one hour ago, however, relieved in managing to write a blog, knowing that some wisdom still lies here. But as Abba say, 'but oh man, is a fool'.

We're all fools. Maybe that is something that binds us together.

He loves me...

He loves me... Though I'm ugly

He loves me.... Though I'm weary...

He loves me.... Though I'm crazy...

Yet, he loves me...

He's weary... from loving me...

He's crazy... for loving me...

But he's beautiful... for loving me....

For in his eyes... I'm beautiful

In his eyes... I'm fearsome,

In his eyes... I'm rational

In his eyes... I'm lovable.

By Estelle...

The fading star

The title of my blog is 'bright star', the meaning of my name. Ironically, I spend most of my life feeling like a fading star, a dying star, a dwarf. I gasp for air to fuel my existence, and yet I reach the depths of infinity way too often. Much more often than it is healthy for any healthy and sane individual for sure. The reason for all this, is a mystery. I wish to blame it on so many things, starting from the games played in childhood, up to the colour and usually awful state of my hair. I wish to blame it on the loves I lost, and the ones that I have won. I wish to blame it on the books I read, and those that I didn't. I wish to blame it on the trips I missed and the ones that I took. I wish to blame it on the friends I have, and the ones that I lost. I wish to blame it on the God that exists and the one that doesn't.

Yet, here I am, despite everything, standing here motionless with a laptop on my lap, in a cosy bed that still feels cold enough for sleep to gently come and posses me. Blame never got anybody anywhere, and it definitely never got me beyond infinity. Questioning and doubting is part of human nature, however, there's a fine line between ignorance and faith. One has to learn to raise his hands and accept the surroundings and circumstances in faith, yet, one musn't be ignorant enough not to shove his hands deep in the mud a few seconds later and shovel whatever he can. One will be a fool indeed if he lets faith and destiny rule his life.

I have been a fool for way too long. But not anymore. I will vow to change, to be somebody that is worthy of the life that has been so preciously given to me. It may have taken a knock on the head to realise this, or seeing a picture of a happy face caught in the darkness of my soul... It may have been the touch and kiss paired up with a smile of such deep tenderness that it makes me cry even to think of the thought of it.

It's the end of a summer which has taught me little, but changed me much. I feel like a little lost sheep who's desperately waiting for her master, yet, now I realise that even little lost sheep have to bleat loudly enough so that her master can hear her and take her back home.

So I'll 'baa' my way back home. God knows that I missed it!

And to whoever has been so kind as to read this blog, I wish to say 'hi' from here to my dear friend AJ Sammut, who was once a very faithful reader of my blogs. I wrote this with you in mind, knowing that you'll read it gives me courage to type all these words of confusion and utter crap for others.

Take care all yea people out there. And good luck to everybody starting another year at university. God knows that we all do need it!

Yours truly

Estelle