The fading star

The title of my blog is 'bright star', the meaning of my name. Ironically, I spend most of my life feeling like a fading star, a dying star, a dwarf. I gasp for air to fuel my existence, and yet I reach the depths of infinity way too often. Much more often than it is healthy for any healthy and sane individual for sure. The reason for all this, is a mystery. I wish to blame it on so many things, starting from the games played in childhood, up to the colour and usually awful state of my hair. I wish to blame it on the loves I lost, and the ones that I have won. I wish to blame it on the books I read, and those that I didn't. I wish to blame it on the trips I missed and the ones that I took. I wish to blame it on the friends I have, and the ones that I lost. I wish to blame it on the God that exists and the one that doesn't.

Yet, here I am, despite everything, standing here motionless with a laptop on my lap, in a cosy bed that still feels cold enough for sleep to gently come and posses me. Blame never got anybody anywhere, and it definitely never got me beyond infinity. Questioning and doubting is part of human nature, however, there's a fine line between ignorance and faith. One has to learn to raise his hands and accept the surroundings and circumstances in faith, yet, one musn't be ignorant enough not to shove his hands deep in the mud a few seconds later and shovel whatever he can. One will be a fool indeed if he lets faith and destiny rule his life.

I have been a fool for way too long. But not anymore. I will vow to change, to be somebody that is worthy of the life that has been so preciously given to me. It may have taken a knock on the head to realise this, or seeing a picture of a happy face caught in the darkness of my soul... It may have been the touch and kiss paired up with a smile of such deep tenderness that it makes me cry even to think of the thought of it.

It's the end of a summer which has taught me little, but changed me much. I feel like a little lost sheep who's desperately waiting for her master, yet, now I realise that even little lost sheep have to bleat loudly enough so that her master can hear her and take her back home.

So I'll 'baa' my way back home. God knows that I missed it!

And to whoever has been so kind as to read this blog, I wish to say 'hi' from here to my dear friend AJ Sammut, who was once a very faithful reader of my blogs. I wrote this with you in mind, knowing that you'll read it gives me courage to type all these words of confusion and utter crap for others.

Take care all yea people out there. And good luck to everybody starting another year at university. God knows that we all do need it!

Yours truly

Estelle