He loves me...

He loves me... Though I'm ugly

He loves me.... Though I'm weary...

He loves me.... Though I'm crazy...

Yet, he loves me...

He's weary... from loving me...

He's crazy... for loving me...

But he's beautiful... for loving me....

For in his eyes... I'm beautiful

In his eyes... I'm fearsome,

In his eyes... I'm rational

In his eyes... I'm lovable.

By Estelle...

The fading star

The title of my blog is 'bright star', the meaning of my name. Ironically, I spend most of my life feeling like a fading star, a dying star, a dwarf. I gasp for air to fuel my existence, and yet I reach the depths of infinity way too often. Much more often than it is healthy for any healthy and sane individual for sure. The reason for all this, is a mystery. I wish to blame it on so many things, starting from the games played in childhood, up to the colour and usually awful state of my hair. I wish to blame it on the loves I lost, and the ones that I have won. I wish to blame it on the books I read, and those that I didn't. I wish to blame it on the trips I missed and the ones that I took. I wish to blame it on the friends I have, and the ones that I lost. I wish to blame it on the God that exists and the one that doesn't.

Yet, here I am, despite everything, standing here motionless with a laptop on my lap, in a cosy bed that still feels cold enough for sleep to gently come and posses me. Blame never got anybody anywhere, and it definitely never got me beyond infinity. Questioning and doubting is part of human nature, however, there's a fine line between ignorance and faith. One has to learn to raise his hands and accept the surroundings and circumstances in faith, yet, one musn't be ignorant enough not to shove his hands deep in the mud a few seconds later and shovel whatever he can. One will be a fool indeed if he lets faith and destiny rule his life.

I have been a fool for way too long. But not anymore. I will vow to change, to be somebody that is worthy of the life that has been so preciously given to me. It may have taken a knock on the head to realise this, or seeing a picture of a happy face caught in the darkness of my soul... It may have been the touch and kiss paired up with a smile of such deep tenderness that it makes me cry even to think of the thought of it.

It's the end of a summer which has taught me little, but changed me much. I feel like a little lost sheep who's desperately waiting for her master, yet, now I realise that even little lost sheep have to bleat loudly enough so that her master can hear her and take her back home.

So I'll 'baa' my way back home. God knows that I missed it!

And to whoever has been so kind as to read this blog, I wish to say 'hi' from here to my dear friend AJ Sammut, who was once a very faithful reader of my blogs. I wrote this with you in mind, knowing that you'll read it gives me courage to type all these words of confusion and utter crap for others.

Take care all yea people out there. And good luck to everybody starting another year at university. God knows that we all do need it!

Yours truly

Estelle

Emotions...

Happiness, sadness, love, rage, grief and embarrassment... All these are emotions, that can either make you or break you. Yet, what gets to me is not the capability of feeling so many emotions at such depth, but the inability to control them. Maybe it's just me, or because I'm a woman... Either way, I'm totally helpless and incapable of controlling most of my emotions by a long shot. Most of the times I'm crippled, stunned, motionless and unproductive when either of these emotions come along. Worst than that, it is the actual knowledge of what and why I'm feeling these emotions, and most of the times, the awareness of the irrationality of why I'm feeling such emotions, won't help me stop or control what I'm feeling. If anything, it'll make it worse, and send me a whirl of deep depths of confusion, personal battles and more emotions.

Being intelligent does confer certain advantages, however, in instances where emotions are concerned, one can be an Einstein, but it simply won't change one fraction of the whole complexity of a situation. If anything, it'll make it worse as one is trying to press the brakes over this crushing flood, yet, frustration will build up as one realises that the break is lost or broken.

How many times have I wished to stop feeling 'bad' or 'love' for that jerk that broke my heart? How many times have I wished to fall in love with somebody but was unable to? How many times have I wished that you can control my anger into a flickering flame, and instead managed to create a bonfire?

Maybe this is what makes us human... Maybe this is what makes me a woman... Or maybe, just maybe, this is what makes me Estelle...

Come rain or shine...

Many people know me, yet, even more people don't know me...

Yes, you don't know me... You may have seen me, spoken to me, dined with me, laughed with me... Maybe even cried with me... But do you really know me? At the end of the day, where does 'Estelle' start and begin? And does estelle herself know this?

Truth is, no, i don't. Nobody knows himself fully and totally. We see hints of ourselves... We look at ourselves in the mirror and see an image. An image of beauty, or tiredness, an image of innocence, of cellulite... We see the despair or hope in our eyes. Like a flickering flame, we change through life. We bend with the wind, and maybe even break at times. Yet, we keep on going hoping to find the answers, most of which we'll never find anyways. We hope in some people, loose hope in others... Yet, the worst thing is when you loose hope in yourself. And everybody has done this at some point or another in his life. We have looked in a mirror and seen a tear roll by... Wondering why we even dare to try to smile, why we even dare to live... Everybody has done this...

But life goes on... Day after day... We grow, we live, we sleep, we wake up and find ourselves looking different... Doing things we never even dreamed or wanted to do. The life we live may seem to be lifeless... Yes, i'm sure that everybody has felt this.

Yet, nevertheless, some hope DOES remain... We begin living again the moment we smile... The moment we sing a song from the heart... The moment we hear a bird chirping or see the sun shining and the leaves glistening from its light. The moment we jump and dance... The moment we kiss... The moment we hug our friends... We begin living again. Yes, so many moments, small as they might be, keep us hoping, and keep us living...

Somehow, being stressed seems to blind us from these small things. Lately, i have been so busy that i have been blind to everything but the work that i've got to do. Sleeping few hours every night, working all day, studying at night... I felt myself fading and flickering, and for a moment i believe that i had completely lost myself and my sanity. Now, i've got time to make things right once again. Like every other day, i promise myself that 'i'll eat healthier, i'll sleep less, work harder, begin a thesis, finish a scarf, continue cross stitching, email a friend, organize my room, smile more, love more, fall less, pray more... I promise myself so many things, which i seldom manage to tick them off the list. I just end up trapped in a horrible stressful life which leaves me yearning for some clarity of mind and air in my lungs. It leaves me yearning for some happy song to hear in my head. What scares me is not this phase, but what comes after... What will come after all this stress... More stress? Will i ever manage to heal and find myself completely again? I guess I will never know the answer, but i have to try. I have to believe that everything's gonna be allright... I won't contradict Bob Marley and i live to prove him right.

So well, yes, that's me. I'm a person like any other.... Part of me inheritingly always believed that all human beings are all the same. We have to be. If people laugh, love, smile, cry and live under this one big blue sky, aren't we all the same at the end of day?

I guess I'll live to die another day won't i? :)

We all will.... Or at least, most of us... In the meantime, i'll continue trying to organise my room, and my life in the process... Come rain or shine... We all have to go on in this life, and i'm no exception!